


Naked Without a Sword

by vvj5 (lost_spook)



Category: Doctor Who (1963), Doctor Who (Big Finish Audio), Tough Guide to Fantasyland - Diana Wynne Jones
Genre: Crossover, Drabble, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-09-07
Updated: 2012-06-13
Packaged: 2017-11-07 16:00:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/432933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lost_spook/pseuds/vvj5
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Doctor tries to join one of Diana Wynne Jones's fantasyland tours.  It's more difficult than it seems.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Wicked Edge

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written for the 'crossed swords' challenge on alt.dw.creative.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seven and Ace have a little disagreement about swords.

“All your tour needs here!” the trader shouted to passing Tourists.

“I’ve been reading your Guide – no swords, please.”

He sighed. “Read the end.”

The Doctor studied the battered book intently. “I can’t skip to the dragons?”

“Which sword?”

He flicked through the book. Ace snatched it. “What about ‘star metal’? You could do some serious damage with that!”

The Doctor glared. “Definitely not!”

“If you’re after a quiet tour, I do have one which merely turns icy – comes with a glove. However, you do understand that torture is obligatory at some point?”

“So I’ve often found,” said the Doctor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _SWORDS: 5 (a) Star Metal. This is like steel but brighter. It not only holds a wicked edge but can cut through anything. This has its uses but, before you learn what these are, you may have lost a finger and several toes..._  
>  (Diana Wynne Jones)


	2. Unlovable Habits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Doctor, Tegan and Turlough really weren't paying attention to the Guide...

"I want to complain!" 

Another irate Tourist. The trader grimaced. "What now?" 

The woman grabbed hold of her companion's wrist and pushed his arm forward, the black sword in his hand. "Look! That can't be right!"

The trader sighed. "Why does nobody read the Guide? 'Dead black coloration... unlovable habit of welding themselves to the hand...'." 

"What?" yelped Turlough. He glared at the Doctor. "Would that be what you used to light the fire?" 

The trader said helpfully, "And is it draining your blood, your life-force or your soul?" 

"Soul? It'd be lucky," muttered Tegan. 

"Oh, dear," said the Doctor.


	3. Swords and Socks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Eighth Doctor's sure he's got the hang of this now. (Charley hasn't).

"Right," said the Doctor, approaching another trader. "I'm sure I've got this now! Two innocuous seeming swords, please." 

"I wanted one that sings," Charley said. "Please!" 

The Doctor said, "Don't ask for trouble. Or socks." 

"Socks? Is there magical underwear?" she scoffed. 

"No. There just aren't any." 

Charley looked up DRAGONS and then surveyed the Doctor's outfit. "Oh. I _wondered_ why the dress." She tried not to laugh. 

*

Reaching a Tavern, Charley said, "About time. I could murder a nice hot bath!"

"Absolutely NO baths," said the Doctor with a haunted look on his face, muttering something about 'last time'...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _DRAGONS: "A friendly dragon will airlift female tourists to the Offshore Island where most Dragons live. A male tourist will have to wait..."_
> 
>  
> 
> _BATH: "Baths are the occasion for sex with one or more of your Fellow Travellers. No matter how irritating you have found her/him up to then, after or during the bath you will find him / her irresistible. It is probably something in the water."_
> 
> (Quotes from 'The Tough Guide to Fantasyland' by Diana Wynne Jones).

**Author's Note:**

>  _SWORDS: 5 (a) Star Metal. This is like steel but brighter. It not only holds a wicked edge but can cut through anything. This has its uses but, before you learn what these are, you may have lost a finger and several toes..._  
>  (Diana Wynne Jones)


End file.
